Mrs. Smarty Pants

^"39 You search and keep on searching and examining the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and yet it is those [very Scriptures] that testify about Me; ⁴⁰ and still you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life" John 5:39-40

I've always considered myself to be a relatively smart person. In school, I was able to pick up lessons quicker than most of my classmates and I always enjoyed learning about complex concepts. The work sometimes felt intuitive, and that led me down a path of not learning how to study — but that's not what this post is about. This post is about how I used God's gift to hide.

When emotions and situations get too difficult, I have (and sometimes still have) the tendency to run back to what feels safe. It's not uncommon — a lot of people do it. But my comfort of choice is called intellectualizing, which basically means overthinking or rationalizing emotions instead of feeling and experiencing them. It's using intelligence to create distance between me and the discomfort. I did this by collecting tons of books that I would spend hours and hours reading in a pseudo sense of "understanding."

I have words for days about emotions — but ask me to actually feel them?

Absolutely not.

Emotions are scary. And if you're a trauma survivor, avoiding emotions was at some point the difference between safety and harm.

Having the answers to something, understanding finite concepts, learning — all felt safer than feeling.

But that's not what we're called to do.

We aren't called to be ruled by our emotions, but we aren't supposed to avoid them either.

In John 5, Jesus talks about how religious leaders spent more time reading about God and avoiding Jesus than experiencing him in the flesh. Even back in Isaiah 29:13, God shared with his people that he would prefer a relationship — their hearts — rather than vain action and empty lip service. In all of that avoidance, they missed abundant life. Just like when we avoid our emotions, we miss what God can do with them.

God is calling us out of our avoidance.

He's calling us to experience what it's like to sit with him.

Have a relationship with him.

To be open with him.

And that includes our emotions.

For me, this means putting my books away, increasing my one-on-one time with God, praying and asking the Holy Spirit for guidance, and getting a therapist (yes, therapists have therapists too).

If you find that it's difficult to access your emotions, you don't have to do it alone. Contact a friend, a pastor, a healthcare provider, or your insurance provider for support. You don't have to do it alone.