A whole struggle...

Currently...

These past few weeks have been incredibly difficult for me: from still trying to get acclimated to online courses and applying to graduate programs to family issues and generational curses incessantly rearing their ugly heads. Overwhelmed is an understatement. I keep having these moments of random heart palpitations, cold sweats, consistent worry, and incredible irritability. If you haven't guessed by now: I struggle with anxiety and with life being as it currently is, the symptoms are on another level.

Anxiety isn't foreign to me. Sometimes I do a good job keeping it at a distance but when the slightest inconvenience happens it's right there to remind me that things can go terribly wrong and there's nothing I can do about it. To be quite honest, it's exhausting. I literally have to fight myself and thoughts of insecurity, insufficiency, and inadequacy on almost a daily basis and I know this is NOT how God intended me to live.

The Root

Anxiety can come from a number of things: stress, trauma, childhood experiences, hormonal imbalances. These may seem like everyday life experiences but when these experiences come into contact with years of emotional and spiritual attack you begin to wonder if any of it is actually normal. What the enemy will do is take an occurrence, a situation where God is trying to stretch you and grow you into the person He's called you to be and perverse it, he will change the intent of God's good will into fear, anger, and uncertainty.

Just so I'm clear: Anxiety is not a sin, nor is it lack of faith.

2 Corinthians 12:9

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

My slip ups happen when I let anxiety lead me to sin and lack of faith. It's when I take matters into my own hands and try to play God with my life. It's me putting myself in situations for a quick fix of relief when the goal and my purpose is to focus on God. When I don't take these growth opportunities for what they are, I rob myself of the opportunity of who I can be. I end up uprooting the seed that God is trying to plant in me instead of watering it with the living word.

By the grace of the living God, I have a faith based support system that's walking me through it; walking and praying me back into God's love. Reminding me that God will never leave me or forsake me (Deu 31:6), teaching me to give him my burdens in exchange for rest and peace that surpasses understanding (Matt 11:28-30, Phil 4:6-7). Yes, anxiety is real, but so is my God.